I debated changing the name of this blog to: Confessions of an overwhelmed Mommy/Violinist/Teacher/Housekeeper/Wife/Runner/Yoga Enthusiast/Fair-Weather Vegan/Sister/Daughter/Friend. But you know, it just didn't have the right ring to it. I would no longer describe myself as a lazy violinist. I am anything but lazy. I am running running running all the time. Changing diapers, wiping noses, nursing, cleaning, dishes, cooking dinner, teaching my students, spending a few spare minutes with my husband, or practicing, or exercising, I have no time to be lazy! If I have a chance to practice, it better be good practice, because I don't have time to mess around! Today, I took advantage of a few happy-baby minutes to do some metronome work. I recently started looking at Paganini's 16th Caprice. Today I worked it up from quarter=60-76. As you can hear, it is far from perfect. It gets dicey especially near the end. Here are some happy baby moments.
http://youtu.be/117ulWePg2A
Saturday, November 23, 2013
My Nursing Story
I wrote this months ago...I feel like I can post it now. I was anxious someone would look at this and think, she didn't try hard enough. She didn't nurse enough. She should have eaten more oatmeal, drank more water, tried this other prescription. Oh well, I want everyone else out there who struggled to breast-feed their babies to know that they are still good mothers. Just because my body can't make enough milk for my child, does not mean that I am a bad mother. So, without further ado, here is our nursing story.
Being a parent is harder than I ever could have imagined. I mean, I knew it would be hard, but nothing could prepare me for the 24/7 constant hardness of it all. Every second of my day is consumed by worry, doubt, frustration, exhaustion, and a love I never could have imagined. The lows are oh so low. The highs are so incredibly high. The last 15 weeks have changed me forever. I have spent them agonizing over breastfeeding. My baby just doesn't suck. I have agonized over weigh-ins, sucking therapy, lactation consults, bottles, and supplemental nursing systems. For a while, my sweet baby got a little too skinny, and it broke my heart. Because he couldn't suck effectively, my milk production went way down, in spite of pumping. Anyone heard of power pumping? It's the worst. Ten minutes of pumping, ten minutes resting. For three hours. I don't want to get into the details of the seven weeks of pumping, fenugreek chugging, or the milk-making prescriptions that caused me horrible depression. It is best just to move on, I think. Finally, as my baby cannot survive on nursing alone, we are supplementing with formula, either in an SNS (a flask with a little tube that goes in their mouth to give them extra formula while they nurse.)
I could write a book on trying to increase milk supply, and suck training. Breastfeeding broke my heart. I was desperate for that sweet nursing relationship, but my baby flailed with frustration while we nursed. He wasn't getting enough. Nursing was like mixed martial arts for him. It wasn't the sweet bonding that I saw for other mothers with babies. It broke my heart.
Now, I have resigned myself that I won't have the nursing experience I hoped for, but we are close. I sit here nestled close with my sweet baby. He is calm, content. The SNS has made a semi-normal feeding experience possible for us. I love my SNS. I also hate my SNS. The little tube gets turned the wrong way in his mouth, and he doesn't get any formula for a few minutes until I realize what is happening. Or worse, it comes out of his mouth and drips formula all over me. Formula smells. But I do it. I do it because I can't give up on nursing. I do it because I can't give up on the few oz of milk I actually make. I do it because I can't give up on these precious moments with my son. For anyone out there who has struggled with breastfeeding or low milk supply, I know your heartache, your inexplicable guilt, and your pain.
I finally feel at peace with our situation.
Update**
We have been nursing with the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) for the past fifteen weeks. Baby still pulls on the tubes, we still have spills, but we nurse. We snuggle. He loves me, and I love him. I'm his Mommy. Giving him formula through a tube does nothing to change that. It was a hard lesson to learn, but now I know, being a Mommy is so much more than being his only food source.
Being a parent is harder than I ever could have imagined. I mean, I knew it would be hard, but nothing could prepare me for the 24/7 constant hardness of it all. Every second of my day is consumed by worry, doubt, frustration, exhaustion, and a love I never could have imagined. The lows are oh so low. The highs are so incredibly high. The last 15 weeks have changed me forever. I have spent them agonizing over breastfeeding. My baby just doesn't suck. I have agonized over weigh-ins, sucking therapy, lactation consults, bottles, and supplemental nursing systems. For a while, my sweet baby got a little too skinny, and it broke my heart. Because he couldn't suck effectively, my milk production went way down, in spite of pumping. Anyone heard of power pumping? It's the worst. Ten minutes of pumping, ten minutes resting. For three hours. I don't want to get into the details of the seven weeks of pumping, fenugreek chugging, or the milk-making prescriptions that caused me horrible depression. It is best just to move on, I think. Finally, as my baby cannot survive on nursing alone, we are supplementing with formula, either in an SNS (a flask with a little tube that goes in their mouth to give them extra formula while they nurse.)
I could write a book on trying to increase milk supply, and suck training. Breastfeeding broke my heart. I was desperate for that sweet nursing relationship, but my baby flailed with frustration while we nursed. He wasn't getting enough. Nursing was like mixed martial arts for him. It wasn't the sweet bonding that I saw for other mothers with babies. It broke my heart.
Now, I have resigned myself that I won't have the nursing experience I hoped for, but we are close. I sit here nestled close with my sweet baby. He is calm, content. The SNS has made a semi-normal feeding experience possible for us. I love my SNS. I also hate my SNS. The little tube gets turned the wrong way in his mouth, and he doesn't get any formula for a few minutes until I realize what is happening. Or worse, it comes out of his mouth and drips formula all over me. Formula smells. But I do it. I do it because I can't give up on nursing. I do it because I can't give up on the few oz of milk I actually make. I do it because I can't give up on these precious moments with my son. For anyone out there who has struggled with breastfeeding or low milk supply, I know your heartache, your inexplicable guilt, and your pain.
I finally feel at peace with our situation.
Update**
We have been nursing with the SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) for the past fifteen weeks. Baby still pulls on the tubes, we still have spills, but we nurse. We snuggle. He loves me, and I love him. I'm his Mommy. Giving him formula through a tube does nothing to change that. It was a hard lesson to learn, but now I know, being a Mommy is so much more than being his only food source.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Sick Leave
So I realize this has been a pretty shameful absence, but I think I have the best excuse ever. Maybe not the best, but I am going to milk it while I can. Not long after I decided not to take the audition I found out that I'm pregnant! My husband and I are excited (and terrified) for this new addition to our family. My happiness was soon dimmed by a dreadful bout of "morning" sickness that lasted from week 6 until week 20. I say "morning" sickness, because my nausea knew no bounds, it struck at all times of day and night. Needless to say, my constant vomiting turned me off of practicing a little bit. It actually turned me off of pretty much everything for the last three months. I basically laid on my bed, or couch, or bathroom floor and felt sorry for myself until the past week.
Well, now I feel better! Naturally, the first thing I wanted to do was get back into a routine of practicing. (I really missed it, I get depressed when I am not progressing or being productive. Granted, making a baby is pretty darn productive...) What could be better for my baby to hear than some unaccompanied Bach?
The past few days I have been studying the fugue from the A Minor Sonata by Bach. I played it before, a few years ago, but it is one of my very favorites and I just couldn't stay away. While much of it feels familiar in my hands, there are some NASTY chords in that thing. Nasty. I haven't practiced to rigorously, I don't want to risk carpal tunnel or tendonitis by pushing too hard too soon. I am excited to press on, and refine my skills.
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